Hidden Tears
by Tisha
Summary: Mamoru breaking up with Usagi leads to something neither one of them could foresee, and neither one of them will ever forget.


Hidden Tears

By Tisha

Author's Note: While this story is about the R season breakup, it is not the usual breakup fic. Even though Usagi was 14 in that season, for the purposes of this story I have made her 16. On with the story…

It was just darkness, like being depressed and drunk. Without a sense of where things were or what was true. Everything had been thrown off of course and spun into some new destiny. It was something unknown and scary with no one standing beside her and no one to reassure her. She was alone. Then it rained. Hot, sticky rain fell from the sky. She was drenched. Wandering alone on the deserted, wet streets. Without him she had nowhere to go. She couldn't figure out life. One minute she had been blissfully in love and then it had been over. Had his feelings been false or did they simply change?

Either way all she could bring herself to do was wander. She thought she might be crying but she couldn't quite tell with all of the rain falling down her cheeks already. Her clothes were sticking to her body. She found herself in a tight alleyway and she slid herself down along a wall. She couldn't even find her way home. A loud thud of thunder startled her and a loud sob broke in her throat. "Mamo-chan." The softly spoken name was lost in the loudness of the pounding rain and footsteps somewhere nearby. Usagi didn't realize how nearby until it was too late.

A dark figure was standing in front of her. She swallowed hard, pushing her back up against the wall behind her. Some sort of words were spoken but she couldn't make them out. She didn't even know if she had said them or if it had been this man. Whatever part of her brain that was still working properly said to run, but her legs wouldn't obey. She hugged her knees tightly to her chest, staring at the man with terror in her eyes. He seemed to like that look; he smiled at her fear. He licked his lips and crouched down to her level.

Usagi could smell the alcohol on his breath even through the thick rain. She felt herself shaking uncontrollably as she tried to shrink away from him. He reached out toward her face and she turned to the side, hiding her face in her hands, so he touched her hair instead. She cringed at the thought of his dirty hands anywhere near her. She tried to move sideways, to get out from her tight spot against the wall, but he hit her hard in the face with the back of his hand, a ring on his hand slicing into her skin. She cried harder; her body was shaking so badly that she couldn't breathe evenly.

He grabbed her chin in a tight grip and kissed her hard on the lips. Usagi whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to look at his face. She wanted to scream for Mamoru but he didn't love her anymore, so what good would that do her? She fearfully looked into his eyes and was frightened by his look of power and enjoyment. She screamed but it didn't sound very loud with the rain pounding all around them. He hit her again and Usagi realized that no one was going to save her this time.

•••••••••••••••••••

Mamoru hadn't gotten a bit of sleep. He was up tossing and turning all night long. He wasn't quite sure whether it was because of the way he had treated Usagi, the woman he loved more than anything else on the planet, or something else. He wasn't even able to figure out whether the dreams would stop now that he had listened to them because he hadn't stayed asleep long enough. He had a strange feeling in his gut though, as if something were wrong. Maybe he shouldn't have listened to the dreams at all. Wondering about Usagi, he headed to the arcade to see Motoki but he was actually hoping to see her there. When he arrived Motoki didn't greet him with his usual smile, but instead he looked sad. Mamoru could feel a deep pain growing somewhere in his stomach. "What?"

Motoki simply nodded his head toward the window. He looked over to see Usagi sitting at a table with her friends. And she looked completely battered. Her face was bruised and cut, her hair was down- the first time he'd ever seen it that way. She was drinking a milkshake as her friends talked quietly. But the whole scene wasn't right. The girls weren't laughing. Usagi wasn't joining in their conversation. She was mostly staring away, at nothing.

Mamoru slowly moved his eyes back to Motoki. "What the hell happened?"

"What do you think happened? And what is this Rei told me about you breaking up with her?"

Mamoru looked at his hands. "I did. It just wasn't right for us right now." Motoki didn't answer him. Mamoru looked back up to see that his friend looked completely pissed off.

"Come here Mamoru." Motoki led the way to the arcade's back room. "Listen to me. That's the sweetest girl I've ever met and she was completely in love with you. I don't know what your problem is, but I know you love her too. You hurt her so bad that she was wandering around in the rain late at night and became the victim of some drunk bastard." He stopped for a minute, breathing heavily from being so mad at his friend. Mamoru was shaking his head in denial.

"I found her Mamoru. I got off work and took the back way home, and there she was. Lying in the ally. Why Mamoru? Why would you break her heart? And even if you did, why didn't you walk her home?"

Mamoru raked a hand through his hair before balling it up and slamming it into the wall. "I can't explain, Motoki. But trust me, if I would have had any way of knowing…" He trailed off and turned from his friend, walking from the room. He glanced at Usagi's table to see that nothing had changed. The other girls were trying to cheer her up. How could he say anything to her when it was all his fault? So he decided not to. He walked out of the arcade without another glance in her direction.

Usagi, however, had seen him as he marched out. She watched him through the window until he was out of sight. And then she excused herself and walked home.

•••••••••••••••••••

Mamoru avoided the arcade for a week. Not only because he didn't think he could stand seeing Usagi that way but also because he figured Motoki was still mad at him. But he needed to know how she was, so he finally went back. Motoki didn't greet him with a smile, but he didn't look so angry either.

"Hey." Mamoru said cautiously. Motoki returned the greeting and handed Mamoru a soda- what he usually ordered.

"Have you seen her lately?"

"Yeah. She still comes in just about every day." He answered shortly even though he knew Mamoru wanted to know more.

"How is she?" Mamoru couldn't help sounding a little annoyed.

"She's okay I think. Not her usual self but she's better than before. I'm just not sure-" He cut off and looked past Mamoru. "Well here's your chance to see for yourself."

Mamoru turned to see all five girls enter. Minako immediately spotted him and responded by glaring. He then heard her turn to Usagi and challenge her to a Sailor V game. Usagi shrugged and smiled slightly. "Okay." He heard her say. As the two of them went off to play their game the other three came to the counter to order some drinks. Rei and Makoto both sent many looks Mamoru's way but otherwise ignored him.

When they were about to turn around to go Mamoru reached out and grabbed Rei's arm.

She quickly twisted it free and looked at him. "What's your problem?"

"How is she?" He asked her, trying to sound sincere enough to actually get an answer. The other two girls had stopped as well and were now looking at him, but neither offered an answer.

"I don't see how that's your concern anymore." Rei answered as she turned to leave. The other two fallowed her.

Mamoru looked at Motoki.

"Hey, I agree with her." He answered.

Mamoru shook his head, paid his bill, and left.

•••••••••••••••••••

Mamoru checked with Motoki every single day. The news was always that Usagi was getting more and more back to her old self. He saw her on occasion, in the arcade with her friends, but he never spoke to her. Not with all of the glaring from the other four. A few times Usagi had looked at him back for a short while, but then she would get drawn back into something by her friends. Mamoru was glad that she had all of them to get her back to normal life. She did seem to be pretty much the old Usagi, except that she seemed serious a lot more than she used to.

Despite the fact that his dreams had ended with the breakup, he wanted her back. He wished he could hold her and help take the pain away. For the time being though, he continued to keep his distance. It seemed like his only option until one day he answered a knock on his door to find Rei. He let her in, even though she was already glaring at him.

"What are you doing here, Rei?"

"Trust me, I'd rather not be. I still think you're terrible. If you're the kind of guy that'll let a 16-year-old girl walk home at eleven in a storm you never deserved her in the first place."

Mamoru swallowed the lump in his throat. It was the same thing he'd been beating himself up about for the last three weeks. "I agree with you, but it was just a really bad mistake. Is that all you came for? To tell me off?"

Rei rolled her eyes. "I wish. I don't know why I even came here. You don't love her or you wouldn't have broken up with her, but I know she loves you."

"I do love her." He couldn't help letting it slip.

Rei looked at him, a bit of the glare coming into her eyes again. It was obvious she had to bite her tongue to keep from retaliating to that. "Whatever, listen. I just thought that maybe you could be the one to manage what we haven't been able to."

"What do you mean? Is Usagi okay?"

"Is Usagi okay? What do you think? She's been keeping this whole thing inside for almost a month." Rei looked at him like it should be obvious. Didn't she realize the part she'd played in keeping him from her in the first place?

"I thought she was doing fine. Motoki tells me she's just like normal, and I've seen it too."

Rei shook her head. "It's all an act. She started acting fine immediately, but she'll never talk about it to anyone. We can all tell though. She'll get completely silent sometimes and drift off into another world. I've seen a flash of fear go through her eyes when certain men walk by. She's not fine, Mamoru. She was raped."

He swallowed hard. "What makes you think I can do anything?"

Rei shrugged. "I don't know why you would be able to, but you're the only one left to try. You know I wouldn't ask unless it was completely necessary. She needs to get it out somehow or it'll eat her alive. Please, just try to help her." Her eyes were pleading and Mamoru realized how hard it must have been for her to come here through all her pride and resentment toward him.

He nodded slowly. "Of course. I'll try to do whatever I can."

•••••••••••••••••••

Mamoru thought about what Rei had sad for another week. At one point he saw them in the arcade and was almost going to approach Usagi when Minako came back toward her and they started playing a game. Since then he was trying to figure out a way to talk to her without hurting her more because of his previous decision to break up.

One day he was walking down the street when he happened to see Usagi walking along a perpendicular street with Ami and Minako. He thought it was as good a time as any so he hurried up to catch them as they passed and he tapped Usagi on the shoulder. She spun around, dropping the books she carried in the process and nearly whipping Minako with her hair. When she saw him she visibly let out a breath and Mamoru realized all at once that he really shouldn't have snuck up on her.

Minako was already picking up the dropped books as Usagi put her hand over her chest and tried to control her breathing. "What do you want?"

Mamoru glanced at the mixed looks on Ami and Minako's faces and looked back at Usagi, who was obviously trying to regain her composure. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah, talk." Usagi stated, accepting the books Minako was handing her as her and Ami continued walking slowly to give them a bit of privacy. Usagi watched them as if she almost wished they hadn't left.

"I'm sorry for scaring you. I just … Are you okay?" He couldn't exactly get the right words out, especially since he knew Ami and Minako were still within earshot.

Usagi sighed but didn't ever really look him in the eye. "I'm fine."

Mamoru knew then that Rei was right. You don't jump two feet when someone taps you on the shoulder in the middle of the day if you're fine. He could see that there was more she was hiding, that's why she wouldn't look directly at him.

He bit his lip. "Well, we're still friends, right? You know you can come by if you ever want to talk, don't you?"

She looked angry for a second and then just impatient. "I didn't know. You haven't been much of a friend." With that she turned and caught up to her friends. He stood still and watched them walk away. Minako looked back over her shoulder at him once and gave a little shrug. He wondered if they'd all conspired before his visit from Rei. He didn't think there was too much more he could do now, except to hope that she would eventually take him up on his offer.

•••••••••••••••••••

Usagi was at the parlor with her friends a week later thinking about what Mamoru had said. Did he really want to be her friend? Or maybe he really did still love her and wanted her back. She didn't want to seem so pathetic as to come running back to him. She realized he didn't have any family though and may very well just want her to be his friend. She'd noticed that Motoki hadn't been as friendly toward him lately. Completely ignoring whatever her friends were talking about, she decided to see if Motoki had any suggestions, so she got up without a word to her friends and moved to the counter.

"Hey Usagi, how are you?"

Usagi forced a smile. "Fine. I wish everyone would stop asking me that."

"Sorry. Did you want something?"

She bit her lip. "Maybe just a bit of advice. Mamoru said the other day he wanted to be friends. It's not that I need a friend I'm just wondering if he really meant it."

Motoki smiled at her and leaned over the counter. "He cares about you Usagi. And he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. I think you can trust what he tells you."

"Even when he said he didn't love me anymore?"

Motoki shook his head. "I'm still trying to figure that one out. The way I see it you two have always been perfect together."

That didn't help her much since it hadn't been her decision to break up in the first place. For her own sake she hoped he was right and Mamoru would eventually come to his senses. The only way to really tell if Mamoru was sincere was to see for herself. So she decided she would just have to put all of her fears behind her and see what he had to say.

She returned to her friends' table to receive four curious looks. "I'm going to go for a little walk. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

They all bid her goodbye even as they were wondering what she'd been discussing with Motoki.

•••••••••••••••••••

Mamoru was just sitting down at his computer to start a paper when there was a knock at the door. With a bit of a grumble he got up and opened it, only to be shocked when he saw Usagi. Only six days after his invitation and here she was. He smiled and gestured for her to come in, which she did. She looked at the laptop on his coffee table and shook her head.

"You're busy. I'll go." She started to head back to the door right as he was shutting it. He automatically stepped over to block her path.

"No, it's okay. It's not due for a week. Sit down."

She looked reluctant and Mamoru got the impression that she just wanted an excuse to get out of there. She sat down anyway and he followed, taking the opposite chair. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and mustered her strength to look him directly in the eyes. "Did you really mean it when you said we could be friends?"

Mamoru nodded. "Of course I did Usagi. We've known each other for over two years, nothing is going to change."

"As a friend can I ask you how you stopped loving me so suddenly?" Her face was completely open for the first time in a month. He could see all of her insecurity and all of her pain. There was a lot of pain there she'd been hiding. He felt his heart squeeze and couldn't help but get up and move to the same couch she was on.

He studied her eyes, which were moving slightly as she waited for an honest answer. He decided to give it to her. "Okay, this may sound a little far fetched, but it's the complete truth. I started getting these dreams. They were terrible." He shook his head remembering the vivid pictures. "It was our wedding day and then …you died. There's a voice that says I have to stop seeing you or it would come true. I ignored them for the longest time, Usagi, but I couldn't sleep. It came every night, worse and worse.

"For your own safety, I just had to do what they said. I didn't want to lose you. But now I feel like I lost you anyway. The dreams stopped but now I have my guilt. I never stopped loving you though. I still do."

She sat quietly, studying her fingernails in her lap.

"Do you even believe me?" He asked.

She looked up. "I guess I do. I just don't know what you're trying to say. You've changed your mind?"

He sighed. "I don't know. Would you fear for your own life now that I've told you?"

She shook her head. "See, Mamo-chan, that's the thing. You should have told me. I'm sorry if it made you lose sleep but I wouldn't give so much credit to a stupid dream. A life without you is no life at all anyway."

"Well then you must understand how I feel. I just didn't want to lose you, especially if it would mean my own guilt about it for not listening to the dreams. Not that it matters now. I know I was stupid for listening to it and not telling you the truth. I was stupider for not thinking clearly enough to take you home. Now I have my own guilt anyway."

"You make everything about you. Poor Mamoru, you let me walk home alone and now you feel guilty. Well, guess what Mamoru, I feel stupid too. I feel dirty. I feel afraid every waking second." She was yelling at him now, and Mamoru let her. He knew she needed to get it out and was glad that this was a start.

"It's not your fault." He tried to sound as soothing as possible and he desperately wanted to take her hand or touch her in some way but was afraid that would make her madder.

"Yeah, it sort of is my fault, Mamoru. Everyone says that. Sure it's not my fault some guy got drunk that night and stumbled into that alley. It is my fault for being so damn in love with you that I was crying so hard I couldn't see. It's my fault for stopping in a dark alley. It's my fault for not learning more when the girls want to teach me so I could have been able to fight him off." She stopped and just continued to sit there breathing heavily. She turned her head slightly and Mamoru could see the white scar left on her face, a permanent reminder of his own stupidity.

She looked at him and he could see that her anger was dying off a little. "You say you want to be my friend, but I don't think you can really understand. I was already heartbroken and then before I knew what was happening I was cornered. He was at least 200 pounds; it wasn't like I could have gotten away, even though my body didn't really react when I told it to run. You don't understand how freezing I was in that alley. How frozen in fear I was for the next hour. I thought he could come back, but still I couldn't move." Tears started spilling down her cheeks and it was too much for Mamoru. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer. She didn't pull away, but she kept talking.

"You don't know how embarrassing it was to have a good friend find me like that. To have to hear him on the phone with my parents, explaining what happened. He called the police too, but I didn't give them any report. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I just wanted to forget it. I guess I didn't realize then how impossible that is. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget his hands. His breath. Any of it." She sobbed loudly and then suddenly turned toward him, using his shoulder as her escape as she let all of her emotions come out through her tears.

Mamoru tightly wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. It was over a half an hour before her crying had quieted. He pulled back slightly to see that she had fallen asleep, as he'd predicted. He moved carefully not to wake her as he laid her out on the couch, covering her with a heavy blanket. He then went and called her mom, explaining the truth to her. That Usagi had cried herself to sleep and he would take her home in the morning.

•••••••••••••••••••

It was only six when Usagi fell asleep so Mamoru went into the kitchen to make himself some tea. He sat down in that room, thinking back over everything Usagi had said. He had been able to see her reliving it. He got the impression she'd kept it from her mind ever since and finally thinking about it again caused all the emotions to pour out. He didn't know how long he sat there thinking about it, but he soon heard a sound and looked up to see Usagi standing in the doorway, looking groggy and confused.

"Hi." He greeted her. "I thought you'd sleep through the night. I already called your mom."

She just nodded before finally coming to sit down across from him. Mamoru offered her his cup of tea and she immediately picked it up and took a big drink. She looked down at the table, apparently thinking. Finally, she looked up questioningly but with her face completely open. Mamoru loved that she always seemed to be open while talking to him. "Are we back together?"

"I'm not going to let some stupid dreams make us both unhappy anymore. If you're willing to take me back, I would love to have you back."

She smiled. "Of course I want you back. I love you."

"I love you too, Usako."

Usagi smiled a little and then became serious again. "I've felt really lonely without you Mamo-chan."

Mamoru took her hands. "I was too. But you have all your friends. I don't know why you would lie to them but I see now that Rei was right, you were not okay."

"Rei-chan?"

He nodded. "She came by and asked me to talk to you. She said they could tell you were holding it inside but they didn't know what to do."

"Oh." Usagi was surprised that her friends had all worried about her without expressing it. She thought they bought her act.

"Are you hungry?" Mamoru offered as he stood up to clean the tea cup.

Usagi only nodded, as she appeared to be in thought again, so Mamoru looked for something that would be quick to prepare.

Usagi sat silently as he cooked dinner. He tried a couple times to talk with her but she seemed to be giving him short answers so he figured she wanted to be left alone with her thoughts. Once Mamoru served her dinner and sat down to eat with her they talked a bit more, but only about school and light subjects. By the time they were done eating Usagi seemed fully awake and not as lost in thought. She insisted on drying the dishes as Mamoru washed them.

"I guess I should stay here since my mom already thinks I will be."

Mamoru glanced at her as he gave her another plate. "It's up to you. You can stay here or it's still early enough to call one of your friends."

Usagi just smiled as she finished the plate and set it aside. "I like it here."

Finished with the dishes, Mamoru turned to her and studied her face. He slowly reached up and ran a finger across the scar on her cheek, then planted a quick kiss on it. Overcome with what she'd gone through, he pulled her into his arms and whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Usagi didn't reply as she hugged him back. After holding her for what seemed like an hour Mamoru broke the hug and led the way back into the living room. "You can have my bed, I'll make up the couch for myself."

Usagi just stood in the middle of the room as Mamoru moved back and forth, bringing blankets from room to room. She stood thinking for a while before finally stopping him. "Mamo-chan."

He stopped as he put down a pillow and came closer to her. "What?"

"Can...can I sleep with you?" She blushed and looked at her toes. "I mean not to do anything, but...just to have you next to me. It's just that I've been having trouble sleeping."

Mamoru put a finger under her chin and brought her eyes to meet his. "If that's what you want."

Usagi just nodded and smiled a little. Mamoru replaced the bedding he had been moving around and found an oversized shirt to offer Usagi as pajamas.

Soon they were both settled in Mamoru's king size bed.

"I love you." Usagi whispered.

"I love you too," Mamoru replied.

Usagi then snuggled into Mamoru's chest and was asleep within minutes. Mamoru watched her for a few minutes before his own eyelids grew heavy.

•••••••••••••••••••

She was in a pitch black room. She tried holding her own hand in front of her face, but she still couldn't see it. Her heart started racing as she called out for help. Then she heard a laugh. An evil, sinister laugh. His laugh. She started to cry and run, but she didn't know where she was going. It was still dark, and she tripped. Then she felt hands, large, rough hands, touching her all over her body.

She woke up screaming and crying. It took a minute to calm down enough to realize it had been a dream, and then she felt Mamoru's arms around her. She relaxed a little more. She heard Mamoru saying, "Shhh, I'm here."

Mamoru pushed the hair off of her face. She was covered in sweat and her face was wet with tears. He held her eyes. "Have you been having a lot of nightmares?"

She nodded slowly, glad he hadn't asked what her dream was about. "Every night." She cuddled against his chest as they both laid back down. Mamoru stroked her hair while Usagi's heart rate returned to normal.

"It was nice to wake up and have you here." Usagi whispered.

Mamoru kissed the top of her head. "I wish I could be there for you every night."

At home for the last month Usagi had found it almost impossible to go back to sleep after having one of the nightmares. Tonight though, cuddled in Mamoru's arms, she fell asleep in a matter of minutes and slept peacefully the rest of the night.

•••••••••••••••••••

Usagi woke up in Mamoru's arms and before even opening her eyes a smile spread across her face. She opened her eyes to see that Mamoru was awake, watching her, and smiling right back.

"That was a nice smile." He said.

She giggled a little. "I'm just happy to be here, with you."

"I'm glad."

Usagi rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling as she stretched. Mamoru just studied her as he had been for the last half hour as she slept. She was so beautiful to him. In her sleep she looked so completely peaceful. Her face was free of all that hurt and pain she tried to hide while awake. "Have any more dreams?" He suddenly wondered out loud.

She propped herself up on her elbow to look down on his face. "Only good ones." She planted a small kiss on his lips and got out of bed. "Mind if I use your shower?"

Mamoru slowly sat up. "Of course not. I'll go start breakfast."

Usagi nodded and headed into the bathroom as Mamoru got dressed and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Usagi joined him just in time and they ate together and cleaned up together, just as they had the night before. When Usagi said she should head home Mamoru insisted on walking her. Usagi didn't mind one bit and she enjoyed having the company.

•••••••••••••••••••

Rei saw Usagi coming and went out to greet her friend. "Usagi-chan, I was getting worried."

"Huh? Why?"

"You just ran out of the arcade yesterday and we hadn't seen you since." Rei replied as if it should be obvious.

Usagi nodded, then stepped forward and wrapped her friend in a hug. "Thank you for being a good friend."

When Usagi stepped back, Rei looked confused. "What did I do?"

Usagi looked into her friend's face. Sure they fought a lot, but she knew Rei really cared for her. She wished that Rei had been able to confront her about hiding her emotions herself, but she was still stubborn about some things. "Mamoru told me that you talked to him. I guess I thought I was a better actress than I turned out to be."

Rei slowly put a hand on her friend's shoulder. "So it helped to talk to Mamoru?"

Usagi nodded. "It did. And we were able to sort through our differences as well."

Rei smiled. "I'm happy for you, Usagi-chan. So are you really okay now?"

Usagi sighed. "I'm not sure I'll ever really be 'okay' again, but you guys and Mamoru definitely help make it easier."

The End.


End file.
